The Journey of Gus and Sam

I'm learning all the more that when we pursue our own selfish desires, we never end up with what we truly want.

My current role at Impact is as a counselor on the phones in the Partner Relations department. Everyday, I hear tragic stories where people sacrifice their entire lives for the quick fix of a high. Be it drugs, sex or bad relationships, people trap themselves from living what Jesus promised as "life more than abundant".

Throughout the writings of Christ we discover a multitude of paradoxes. "to find life, lay your life down"... "you must give to gain"... "I must decrease that He may increase"... "to be great is to be least"... "the first shall be last, the last shall be first".

In context of human psychology, the three greatest needs of man are:
1. Unconditional love
2. Knowing I'm not alone
3. A Sense of Value and Worth

Anything we do outside of God to meet these needs is a form of codependancy. Yet, our society, at large, is totally geared towards this kind of behavior... all advertisement exposes our "lack"... politicians spout of our need to have them take care of us... media compares the beautiful over the regular... etc, etc.

We live in a very "emotionally needy" society. So many people looking to take, few actually sacrificing to give.

The obviously "dirty" codependancies are drugs, alcohol, pornography and sex. But then there's the "clean" codependancies: Relationships, jobs, money, status, titles, education, spouses, afluence, clothing and social strata.

The irony is, the more I seek to fulfill my need through any of these codependancies, the more I find myself empty of this need. So, out of my pain, I follow a cycle of pain like a hamster on a wheel chasing for the ever elusive... all the while, my heart gets harder and harder. Calloused by my denial, perpetual persuits and guilt of failure.

I made a choice, two years ago, to face my "stuff". It hasn't been until now that I can actually understand what it was that I was doing... It's hard to see through chaos - blaming, shaming and gaming just to "protect" what I thought was important, my sense of being right, my ego or my pride. But now, I've found an incredible sense of clarity, wholeness.

It's peaceful, confident and alive. I kind like that feeling. I really like me I'm turning out to be.

I'm discovering more and more how selfish I've been in the past. Whether towards those close to me or to the check out person at the grocery store. Why is it that we can't see past our navels sometimes.

Today, I talked with a young lady that was in a hurting condition. She went to a party, got drunk, drove home and smashed her car. She's embarassed, shamed and worse, feeling trapped. As we talked, she revealed that now, without a car, having to go to court and only making $6.50 an hour, she's stuck in this life's circumstance. She wants to pursue God, but can't see how, why or when things will ever change. I told her to make a choice to change and be patient through the process.

That could sound really cliche'. Yet, I have experienced that feeling of "trapped".

When we find ourselves in postions without options, we eliminate the potential for divine intravention. God sees multiple options, endless outcomes and limitless possibilities. Why is it that we refuse to see them?

This conversation I had with this girl was definately not a short one. Nor, I presume, the last. Yet, the timing of it could have given me the opportunity to return to the selfish ways of my past.

Dealing with people can be messy, inconvenient and time consuming. This is something that hasn't changed since the garden. People are finicky, fussy and flawed. Yet, we all need a lttle help sometime.

There was a time that I felt at the end of my rope. It lasted for months. I couldn't see past my current scenario. Every option seemed to be beyond my reach. I was trapped by a past, confined to my definition of reality.

It was during that time that I found people who listened to me repeat the same conversations, trying to process my experience and find a light at the end of the tunnel. Those people I shared with showed my great mercy, patience and encouragement until I finally realized my answers. Ironically, I already knew the answers, but was too cowardly to deal with them. That all changed.

Now, out of a seed that these kind folks planted in me, I'm able to reach out to others... For that, I'm eternally grateful. This life is not my own.

During times when I felt so empty, I craved intimacy and love. Yet, I could not find it. Even when I was married or dating, there were so many times that I had this internal desire for something I wasn't experiencing.

But how could this be? I had "someone". I had a mate or a girlfriend. What more did I need???

I needed something no other person could give me.

Deep with in, I yearned for the experience of unconditional love, knowing I wasn't alone and knowing I had value. I've come to learn that these emotions are God given, even inspired. Yet, I so many times, sought the fulfilment of these deep seated emotions on an external level.

It's bizarre how a person can love another so very much one day and then completely detest them another. Yet, that's what happens when we seek a "person" as our fulfillment and not God. It's as if we try and draw close to this individual... closer and closer, only to find ourselves wanting, unfulfilled, disappointed, frustrated and burned out.

That's the essence of CODEPENDANCY... the story of my marriage. Two codependants tearing eachother to shreds even when they cared about eachother deeply. How retarded is that?

Once you can't get what you were trying to get, you try HARDER, start to manipulate and guilt the other into becoming someone you think will make you happy. When that doesn't work, you start looking elsewhere for the "fix".

Everytime you feel empty, you try for another fix... just like a druggie, an alcoholic or a sex addict. All of it is rooted in codependancy.

I have finally found fulfillment in someone I should have found a long time ago. His name is God. Only he builds self-worth, value and love. He is the root solution to all external problems. Until a person recognizes his/her love and value in God can they truly find wholeness. Only two whole people can make a healthy, happy relationship.

BTW, this is not "religion". That will turn into just as much of a codependant fix as anything.

Get to know the Creator. The one who formed you in your mother's womb and loves you just as you are.

Coming back to Huntsville and school has been an interesting experience. While home, I was confronted with much of the emotional ties to the past. Amazing how those things can create such a strong and compeling story line within. It's as if a script of definition is laid out before you and it's your choice as to whether or not you will allow the past to define you.

There's a scripture in the Bible that states "old things have been past away, all things have become new". I'm coming to the conclusion that this statement is a daily choice to walk in light of today's realities or yesterday's.

All of us have "stuff" from our past that we're not proud of. Whether it's a mistake, a failure or regret, it's not who we really are. Sometimes we forget that this life is a journey. And we have the power to decide whether we let that journey take us forward or backward.

While home, I had a person from my past email me during a time that was incredibly painful. In fact, I thought it could have been deemed a sadistic attempt to punish me and make me suffer. Yet, I chose to give this person the benefit of the doubt and treat them with as much maturity, respect and honor I could muster. I'm learning that it's not my place to judge another's motives, but rather to administer grace and love instead. The example Jesus taught was to even love those that seek you harm.

I still don't know what this individual's motives were, but I chose sacrificial love over anything other emotion or act.

It's situations like this that prove to my heart, once again, how far I've come and grown. In fact, the person I am today is nowhere close to the person I was even four months ago, let alone a year or three years ago.

But whether others want to treat us as the person we are today or the person they once knew, it's not our job to prove to them one way or another. All we can do is practice consitency along the journey towards the person we are.

1 Corinthians 13:4-11 (The Message)

Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies.