The Journey of Gus and Sam

Back in Wisconsin to reconnect with family and friends. I'm ecstatic to be back here for a visit to love on folks. People are such an incredible commodity. It's all about relationship, relationship, relationship!!! Serve others with your life.

I'm headed home for the holidays in less than a week. It's been an amazing time here and I have started to think how incredibly grateful I am to be here. This school has changed my life.

Impact is committed to the development of ministers on a heart level. It’s intent is not necessarily for full-time preachers, though that’s a focus, but the equipping of people to minister in any area they decide to pursue after school. We learn business skills, team building, personal development and people-valued counseling. It’s remarkable how God has prepared me for just this kind of education.

The first three weeks I was here I cried nearly every night in my dorm. Not out of sadness, but out of a thankful heart, a personal discovery and the facing of personal responsibility. You see, every circumstance is a result of choice. We can either let our life be dictated by default or take responsibility for our growth, actions and development. I thank God for the choice to change.

Creating healthy disciples is what this school endeavors… spiritually, physically and emotionally. That last part is what has really struck significance in me.

For so long, I allowed others to dictate my emotions, self-worth and value. That’s simply a co-dependant, pathetic existence. ALL of my pain was self-inflicted. No matter how people treat me, I’m learning to be consistent, stable and healthy. Others can create chaos around me, but I have the power to choose what significance I give to it. How incredibly simple, yet profound.

Every relationship is affected by these thought processes. Whether it’s business, church, or romance, people are completely annihilated by casting blame, claiming the “victim” mentality or not forgiving other’s dysfunction. It’s like having a bird poop on my head and waiting for the bird to return to clean up the mess. I can do something about what how I feel about it and what I do about it. The bird is responsible for his own actions. It's foolish to still blame the bird. The bird did what the bird does, whether or not I was there. People who are hurting, hurt others. It's nothing personal, that's just what they do wrestling through their own "stuff".

The other incredible thing I’ve learned is in the area of communication. The whole key to communication is to share your thoughts in a manner that can be heard by the hearer. For all of my life, I thought I could just say what I wanted. It’s very natural to me. I like things direct and to the point. This is also how I liked confrontation… doesn’t make for a good counselor nor a good spouse.

When we humble ourselves to understand others and speak to their needs instead of our own we open a floodgate of openness, safety and connection. Becoming more sensitive, patient and seeking to understand is way more powerful than seeking to be understood. It takes humility. What an incredible gift to offer those you love.

Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me--watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

I've recently had an experience I can't truly put into words. Have you ever had something go off inside of you, an explosion of emotion and release?

Two weeks ago, there was been a transformation in how I see myself and others. For so long, I've wrestled with issues in my life between me a God; Issues related to some of the promises His Word so blatantly encourages... prosperity, blessings, favor. It's like I go only so far with good things, then WHAM!!! Things hit the crapper.

I realized the problem was me. My thinking. My perception of the man God made me to be.

Because of poor choices, actions and experiences, I had difficulty seeing myself of deserving anything of substantial value. A healthy relationship, good job, money in the bank or abiding peace seemed to elude me. It hasn't been until now that I've discovered why.

In all reality, it's simple. God loves me, no matter what.

Problem was, I wasn't all that thrilled with me.

We were in prayer the other day and one of the ladies I work with stopped and looked at me. She said "Angus, why don't you feel like you deserve the best that God has to offer?" Now this woman is a beautifully spirited woman I love and admire. She's been around the ministry for probably more years than I am old. I got defensive. "What do you mean? I think God wants to give me His best!"

She responded, "No, of course God WANTS to give you His best. Why won't you let Him? Why don't you believe you deserve His best?"

I burst into tears. Snotted and slobered all over myself... she was right.

Deep within my heart, I knew she was right. I was stopping God in my life.

We, as humans, love to suffer. For some reason, we want to be punished for what we've done or not done. Yet, God NEVER sees us that way. Goofy preachers and stinky doctrine lead people to believe that God is angry and commited to our punishment. That's simply junk theology.

Think about it... If a parent is always wrathful to a child, does that child ever seek a healthy desire to do or be right? Emphatically, NO!!! Only through love can a child find value, dignity and worth to a degree to desire the right quality of life and pursuits.

Here I was, beating myself up - time and time again. That thinking sabotaged so many opportunities and relationships for me. Every time things started going "right", I'd start behaving irrationally or thinking goofy and mess it all up. Simply because my psychology wanted to punish my very own existence.

I am free!!! I have never felt so free!!!

I was having some discussion the other day about childhood. When I was growing up, I spent most of my summers at the Country Club as a pool rat. All day long, we would grow golden brown, our hair would go bleach blonde and our extremities would prune. Day after day... and we loved it!!!

One my favorite things to do would be to order a Kit-Kat bar from the snack bar for some tummy filling goodies. This Kit-Kat was always chilled, right from the fridge. I didn't care too much for that. It was more fun to unwrap the bar from the packaging and then place the bar in the sun on top of the foil shiny side up. Then it was back to the pool for some "marco-polo" or something silly while the Kit-Kat melted in the sun. When I returned to eat my treat, there was a gooey feast awaiting my chlorine dripping hands.

It was so fun to feel the chocolate oozing down my throat, smeared on my mouth and then to later, suck my pruned fingers clean of the decadent delight. The finally came when I picked up the foil and rake my tongue across the surface to pick up every last drop of chocolatey goodness.

Amazing, french-fries never had this same appeal. I mean, you leave those things out for too long and they'd grow stale and gross. Surely, there is no longevity to the nature of a french fry.

I bring all of this up simply because I noticed there is an interesting correlation with my childhood and the love of God.

Throughout the Old Testament, we see scripture stating that God "hardened" someone's heart. That doesn't sound like free will if God is the one responsible for someone's heart growing hard. So in class, one of our professors stated it like this, "the same sun that softens butter, hardens clay."

The variable in the illustration is not the condition of God, but rather, the condition of the person's heart. People always want someone else to blame because they refuse to accept resposibility for their own circumstance. It started with Adam and it's been that way ever since.

I've had plenty of opportunities where I can admit, I let my heart grow hard. But that all changed. I chose to own my "stuff". Now my heart is softened, pliable and melted into the arms of grace. I'm grateful to love, grateful to live.

Yet, I know others that allow their hearts to become hardened, bitter, angry and unforgiving. God's love never changed. These individuals just refused to allow His love in.

So in comparison to "the same sun that softens butter and hardens clay", I say, "the same sun that softens my Kit-Kat, hardens my french fries."